The Foreigners 2

Possibilities are everlasting. You never know what is going to happen. All you can do is hope for the best. Last night I met up with him for happy hour. At the moment I thought I had made a mistake seeing him because I knew all it would do is spark my feelings for him to become stronger. But I knew I couldn't stay away from him. And I know he feels the same way. We had some pretty serious conversations last night. I'm sure I made it a little more emotional than it needed to be because I was very tipsy. I wasn't planning on talking about our issues and how he chose her over me, but he confessed his true feelings for me, and he was the one who brought them up. He asked me so many questions last night that kept me up thinking. The first question was, what do I like most about him. I wanted to pour out my heart to him, but I knew to keep it short and sweet. I told him I loved his personality. But really there is so much more than that. From the moment I saw him I knew there was something special about him. I know that sounds so cliche, but it is the damn truth. He is everything I have ever pictured in my mind. He's taller than me, has dark short hair, passionate brown eyes, a broad smile, and sexy body. Did I mention that tattoo on his arm? Gives me chills just thinking about it. To me he is the whole package. And in case your wondering his package is the best I have ever opened. But besides his looks, his personality is amazing. He is always happy. He has the biggest smile on all the time. His go with the flow attitude is so similar to mine. Usually they say opposites attract, but with us I think we make our love for each other even stronger by us having such similar personalities. Maybe that's why we can't keep away from each other because when we are together our souls can finally be one. His accent is such a turn on. I never really thought about being with someone who had an accent, but it is seriously one of the biggest turn on. His accent mixed with his poetic words just makes me melt inside. He makes me happy. I have I said that already? I can't stop thinking about him ever! He's the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing before I fall asleep. Shit, even when I am asleep I think about him because every night he is in my dreams. All day long he is on my mind. Even when I am working I stop and think about what he could possibly be doing. I mean I am not psycho thinking...like da fuq is he doing that bastard ain't textin me...but I often wonder if he's thinking about me too. I know he does. Maybe not as much as I do. But I get it, I mean I am a female. 
The next question was if I would move out with him. The answer is YES! of course! But then I think about my past and how things ended up. I know I can't compare my past relationships to this one with him, but it's hard not to worry that the same thing will happen. Don't get me wrong the best thing that ever happened in my life was leaving my ex, but all the crap that went along with officially finalizing the break up was the hard part. I know I would never have ANY of those same problems with my lover boy now, but you never know what could happen. I am always a positive person, so I see nothing but good things coming from us living together. I think the toughest thing would be telling my parents. It could go either way with my parents though. They would either be like no, you shouldn't because you are just rushing into things. Or they would be like yes, do it, better to test the waters now than let it be too late in the future. I feel kind of the same way though. I don't want to rush into things, but I do want to begin our future together and see where things could go. After all if you can't handle living with someone before marriage then marriage and living together would never work. I am very open to living together before marriage, though. And with him I think it would make us stronger as a couple...if we ever get to that damn point.
The last question (that I can remember) was if I would take him to Greece with me. Now I don't know if he meant for this summer or one day. Of course I would take him there. That would be so amazing for him to be with me in my home country and to meet my family. I think that fact that I am leaving for Greece sometime next month for a month bothers him. He hasn't said anything to me about it, but I honestly think it bothers him. Maybe that's why he picked her. But in all honesty, I am scared to go to Greece and leave him here this summer. The main reason is because I HATE being away from him. I can't imagine not being able to see him throughout the week and weekend when we want. I mean I know there is so much technology that can connect us, but my insecurities would bring out the worst in me. I don't want to think that he would cheat on me if we were to be together, but with everything that has happened I don't know if I could 100% trust him yet. 
The only people who know about my issues with him are my best friends/old roomies. While I was with him last night I listened to a voice message from one bff and she was saying how proud she was of how strong I am being. I told him that I hadn't cried once until I read my past blogs. I think it surprised him. He knows I am a strong, independent woman. He knows that if he left me for good I would be able to find someone else. I just hope he knows that I don't want anyone else, but him. That's why I fight for him so hard. I know deep inside he wants me to be his and I continue to patiently wait for him. When I woke up this morning (yes, next beside him...that always makes me so happy) I had a text from my other bff (which is in the roomies group text of course). She had sent a long text saying how proud she was of how strong I am. I knew I needed to tell them what happened. I know they support my no matter what I choose, I mean after all they have always been pro lover boy. When I told them what happened my bff said that maybe it took him watching me leave for good for him to really feel like he was loosing me and how bad that hurt him. I hope that is the truth. It was hard for me to leave, but I knew I couldn't continue if he wasn't going to be with me. Later my other bff said that this is finally the part two...the sequel. She said that lover boy was giving her whiplash with going back and fourth with his feelings for me. At first I didn't understand what she meant. My bff's decided that the name of our movie is: The Foreigners 2. She said, "the cliff hanger was when I left in my car. That was the end of the first move. Now the second one is beginning. The in love part. I told him that he still has to dump her and be with me if this is "movie" is going to continue. I know he wants to be with me. I just want him to do something about it and make it FINAL. My bff said that's when this movie will need to end for my sake. We are all giving him another chance. Yes, I said we. Because We=I=ME, bff, and bff. I am giving him another chance and I really hope that this one works out in my favor. I don't know how much more I can take of being hurt and discouraged. I continue to stay positive, pray, and hope for the best. After all I know we are meant to be together. I wouldn't feel the need to fight so hard for this if it wasn't true. He may not see it or understand it quite yet, but he will soon. Either when he has me or when he loses me. Let's all stay in the positive and say it's when he has me for good.

True Love

Update on life for those of you who care:

Since my last post lover boy and I spent a lot of time together. It was hard to stay away from him. Now however, I wish I had. Yup, you read it right. He dumped me...or should I say chose her. So let me give you the story because I know you are interested.

Once again we spent most of the weekend together. Saturday night we went to my cousins graduation party and my parents were there. He couldn't keep his hands off me. In front of my mom he said "why are you so pretty" then looks at my mom and says, "isn't she beautiful!" Of course hearing that from him just made me the happiest girl in the world. I thought that maybe he was getting closer to making his decision. Of course I spent the night with him. The next morning we made his favorite (and now mine, too) home country breakfast. I tried not to get too excited about the fact that we were cooking together (he was mostly cooking, I was learning) because I didn't want to get my hopes up, again. I spent most o the day with him, which I regret now because it was Mother's Day. I should have left as soon as I woke up, but I am an idiot and didn't. Later that night he came to my house for Mother's Day dinner with my family. Once again he couldn't take his hands off me. He even asked me to go home with him, IN FRONT OF MY PARENTS! To most people in their 20's it's not a big deal to spend the night with your boyfriend (or boo in my case), but when you have Greek parents and you are a female...eh, it's kind of big deal. I didn't go home with him. I would have, but I felt something in my stomach telling me not to. He said I could spend the night this week anytime I wanted. Yesterday he text me and asked me if I wanted to go to lunch. I would really surprised he had text me because for the last week he hadn't really been responding to me texts and he definitely wasn't texting me first. I got really excited! I couldn't believe he wanted to see me so soon! I thought maybe he had something he wanted to ask me, maybe that's why he wanted me to spend the night. You all know what I was thinking...he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend! So I go with him to lunch, he picks me up on the side of the school where I work. I knew something was wrong. He didn't kiss me when I got in and there was a lot of awkward silences. When we got in the restaurant he acted like he didn't want to touch me. I eventually leaned in for a kiss because I thought it was weird he didn't get one sooner. He is kisser. He loves to kiss. He is actually the best kisser I have ever had. Anyways, back to my story, I paid for our lunch and oddly enough he didn't say thank you. He always says thank you. I mean I know sometimes I forget to tell him thank you for buying my food, but for him its just uncommon. It was another sign that something was wrong. When we were eating his chair was far from me. He barely talked and he barely ate anything. Another sign. At lunch I was telling him about my trainer I work out with. He seemed a little jealous and said that he would work out with me. So later that afternoon I text him and asked him if he wanted to work out with me today. He called me after work and said he didn't want to work out, but I could come over if I wanted. I knew what that meant, and I wasn't opposed to it. I knew I didn't want to spend the night with him, though. So I just brought myself over. Everything seemed fine when I first got there. We were laughing and smiling. Everything just seemed normal. Then it got weird. We decided to watch this really good movie on netflix. Usually when we watch a movie we either cuddle or end up needing to pause the movie, if you know what I mean. Not last night, though. He didn't touch me. Didn't say a word to me, the whole two hours. It was awkward. Thank goodness the movie was entertaining! Once the movie was over he still didn't say a word. I asked him what was on his mind and he asked how I knew. I told him I could tell he was concentrating on something. He put his arm around me and said he made his decision and I wasn't going to to like it. I was hoping maybe he was trying to get me worried and then tell me he chose me. But then I knew. He told me by saying, she is coming here, like the end of June. I asked him how long he knew of his decision and he said a couple days, like last week. I got up from the bed, put my shoes on, and grabbed my purse. He tried to pull me close to him, but I stood my ground. I asked him why did he beg me to spend the night and he said because he likes being with me. I asked him why he didn't tell me at lunch and he said because he didn't know how to tell me. I left his room and walked out the front door. He followed me. The look on his face looked like he was the one being hurt. Before I walked to my car he said something like if it was the right time. I didn't understand what he said so I just walked away and went to my car. When I drove off he was standing on his porch with his hands on top of his head. When I got home I didn't cry. I was hurt, but I knew this was going to be the outcome. 

This morning he text me telling me he hoped I have a good day and that he really cares about me. I don't understand why he would tell me that. My friends say it's so he could clear his conscious and make sure I am okay. I guess I will never really know the answer. 

I didn't tear up until I read my two previous blogs about him. I was so confident in myself that we would work out. I should have known we wouldn't. After all he was never loyal to me. I was just a girl to keep around to help pass the time until she moved here. I don't regret my time with him, because at the moment you do things that you want, but I wish I would have been more conscious of what was going to happen. The time that I knew he was going to chose her, I should have moved on. I don't understand why he would lead me on and be with me all weekend if he knew his answer. I could have never hang out with someones parents and make it seem like I care about them if I knew I wasn't going to end up with them. He knew that he was choosing her for days, but still kept me around. It makes no sense. I do think he chose the easy way out. I think he chose her because she already had her shit together to come here.

Whatever his reason is, I don't really give a shit anymore. I am done with him. He is done with me. He made his choice. He is the idiot, not me. I feel really bad for the girl who he chose. She probably has no idea about him and I. She probably has no idea what kind of an asshole he is. I feel really bad that she is going to move here and find out how shitty of a person he is. I have heard some things about him and I have witnessed some fucked up things he has done with me being right beside him. What sucks is she is going to waste her time coming here because when she finds out who he really is and what he is really like, she is going to regret it. Who knows maybe I am wrong. Maybe they were meant to be together and are GOD's choice for each other. I guess we weren't meant to be together and that is just fine. I know I have someone out there who is waiting to treat me the way I deserve. Now I just have to go out there and find him. 

I prayed to GOD every day and night to help keep me, him and the other girl strong and that no matter what decision he made that each person would continue to be strong and happy. I am strong. The fact that I didn't cry a tear drop until today reading these blogs shows my strength. I am happy. I am happy that he finally made his decision and I can move on now and stop wasting time on him. He never deserved my dedication to him. Someone out there does. I am not a mean person. I wish him and her many years of love, happiness, and dedication to each other. I just hope that their love for each other is true.

The road to be stronger

As a Special Educator you're pulled around when ever you're needed. I'm sitting here examining a state test to a small group of students. I mean I'm not complaining because I get to be out of my classroom for two hours, but I'm kind of mad because we were watching a movie today in class. Oh well, I am glad my go with the flow personality can shine today. 

I do wish I was busy, though. It would definitely help pass the time and keep my mind off of him. My last post was a hard one to write. That afternoon he messaged me and said that he felt like his heart had shrinked. Yes, he used the word shrinked. Remember he's from a different country. I love it when he says words wrong. Maybe it's because I am a teacher and correcting someone is part of my nature, but it's just the cutest thing. His words can be so poetic without him even trying. That's just one of the things I love about him. I decided to see him later that night. I flipped a coin to decide if I should or not (that's one of our things, we flip a coin and let destiny decide what we should do when we don't know). I am glad I did, I surprised him at the tattoo shop. Seeing his eyes get wide from his first sight of me was something special. I hope I can see that reaction again on a special day, maybe a wedding to be exact. We spent the whole weekend together, as usual for the past 3 or 4 weekends. It was nice, everything seemed to be going well. I just love being with him. Even when we aren't doing anything or saying anything I am still happy. He makes my heart happy. Isn't that what love is about anyway/? Sunday we had a little rough patch, but it still didn't keep us from separating. We made some agreements and came to a conclusion of what is to happen next. Neither one of us want this to happen. After all the hardest thing for us is to not be with each other. Shouldn't that be his answer, though? Shouldn't he know that if he is going to struggle being away from me then I am the person he is supposed to be with? I mean it makes sense, right!? 

We came to the conclusion that he needs to figure out his life and what he is going to do. Either he's going to dump the girl from his home country who plans to move here for him or he dumps me. I don't know their history, but I know ours. It's funny how GOD puts people in your life when you least expect it. I know I wasn't his ideal timing to fall in love, but when is the right time? 

He ended up having dinner at my house last night. It felt right. My mom talked his head off, interrogated him, explained how much of a princess I am (he already knew and was happy to let my mom know), and she gave a show to her favorite song "strokin" by Clarence Carter. It was a good night. It was the best way to end to postpone things. I use the word postpone because I don't believe this will be the end. I think its just a slight hold in time. I know we will be together again. Hopefully in a couple weeks when he makes his decision of what he wants to do in life we can proceed from this short intermission. If not then I will have to move on and not have to worry about this anymore. He told me yesterday that if he chooses me then it would be for good. That made me happy, but who wants to be a choice? I told him I don't want to be a choice. I deserve better than that, I know! When he left my house last night it was hard, but it felt right. I know he wants to be with me. I told him to follow his heart. I just hope I'm the one his heart wants. 

I told myself I wouldn't cry over this. I didn't feel the need to cry until I wrote that last sentence in the paragraph above. I know GOD will lead me in the right direction. Wherever that may be, with him or without him. If we end up together I know this road is to only make our love for each other stronger. And even if we don't end up together I know this road is to make me a stronger woman and lover. I am going to stay positive and optimistic. As bad as I want this to work between us and knowing how hard this is going to be for me, the process of waiting and the process of possibly being dumped, I know I am going to be okay because I will be stronger.